


Forget-Me-Not

by WaterProofGlasses



Category: The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Dealing With Loss, Growing Up, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Book 5: City of Lost Souls, change
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-13
Updated: 2020-10-26
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:14:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,738
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24161938
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WaterProofGlasses/pseuds/WaterProofGlasses
Summary: After the break-up, Alec chooses to settle his grief by gardening in the Institute Greenhouse. Through the time, he learns to grow, change and let go.
Relationships: Clary Fray/Jace Wayland, Helen Blackthorn/Aline Penhallow, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Simon Lewis/Isabelle Lightwood
Comments: 9
Kudos: 45





	1. Violets and Red Camellias

“I love you. Not that that changes anything”

Those words were still stuck in his head as he walked. The sky was the color of tar and smoke. He was numb. He heard no noise but a painful ringing in his ears. Perhaps he kept those words Magnus uttered as a reminder that the warlock was never coming. Or perhaps he kept them as hope. Hope that Magnus really did love him, and maybe…

Pause. He stopped walking. Looking up, he realized he was standing in front of Magnus’ apartment. 

Some sort of optimism surged in him. He came here to pick up his things and leave the apartment key, but maybe Magnus was inside and they could talk things out. Maybe Alec could understand further why they broke up.

But when he opened the door, the apartment was empty. His things were packed neatly near the doorway. This was unfamiliar to Alec usually the apartment was warm and welcoming but now it felt dead and cold. 

The shadowhunter grabbed his things and left the key on the side table. Still, he wished the warlock would give him more answers to why Magnus gave up on him so quickly. 

* * *

  
“Alec, thank the angel!” Isabelle opened the door and hugged him tight. “Where the hell were you? You didn’t answer any of our calls and it’s past midnight.”

He only stood. His gaze still looking down at the cobblestone steps of the Institute. He honestly couldn’t speak. Words could form in his mouth. 

Isabelle loosened her grip, knowing that something was wrong. Alec would always try to embrace her back because even if he didn't admit it, he loved to spoil his baby sister, but now his arms remained down. She looked at his face reading his expression.

Alec felt guilty. His face must have been very dead. He should have been able to put on a brave face for her.

“What happened?” Isabelle whispered. She led him inside gently. Her hand was rubbing his arm lovingly. Alec had a feeling she knew. Out of all the family, Isabelle has always been the most observant and aware.

“He broke up with me, Izzy.” Alec said. He, himself, was quite surprised that the turmoil in him didn’t spill out.

“Alec..I..” She was about to give him a hug again but he stepped back escaping her attempt.

“Before you and Jace freak out, I want you guys to know it’s my fault.” Alec sighed calmly. He knew his siblings can be quite protective, especially his sister. He didn’t want any of them to go after Magnus. 

He stepped in the hall and remembered that Maryse had recently bought new red linen rugs for the institute. Alec took off his mud ridden shoes and stepped into the warm lit hallway. 

“I’m here if you need to talk. You know that.” Isabelle offered. A voice filled with pity and compassion.

Alec took a deep breath. He didn’t want to trouble his sister with his problems. “I don’t want to talk about it. You can tell Jace about the breakup, if you want. I just …. need some space right now.” 

He sauntered forward, leaving his sister confused and hurt. He knew he needed to be alone. One wrong touch from anyone can honestly completely shatter his fragile state. 

Aku cinta kamu 

Everything that Alec has ever done is for love. But now without Magnus, he is lost. 

* * *

Oddly, coming back to the greenhouse reminded him first of Max. When Max had died, his whole family had drifted apart. First, his father took the position of Inquisitor, busying himself. Second, Isabelle locked herself in a room in Alicante. Next, his mother was more cold than usual. Lastly, his parabatai went out in some sort of heroic mission.

In that time, Alec was gardening in the backyard of the Penhallow mansion. He didn’t break down when his brother had died but he had stayed silent, unable to speak of his grief. So, he planted a set of harebells. Jia had thanked him for the kindness of placing beautiful flowers in her garden but Alec felt rather selfish when he did that. 

The sky was still the color of tar when he started to pull out weeds near the blue violet blossoms. It seems no one had taken care of the greenhouse since Hodge had left. There were weeds everywhere. Some of the plants had dried up due to dehydration and fell from their roots. Many dead leaves and flowers were scattered on the floor.

Alec sighed and put down a large duffel bag he was carrying. He stopped by the storage room where some of Hodge’s things were placed before entering the garden. The bag was filled with all the tools Hodge had used to take care of many herbs and flowers. Before Hodge came, the greenhouse was an empty large room with a glass dome ceiling but his old mentor then filled it with beautiful plants of different species.

Alec took part in the building of it. An uncomfortable feeling came to his chest and quickly paused his thought. He doesn’t want to think of his former mentor.

He took out a pouch in the duffel bag and inside it was filled with acorns.

_‘I’m sorry. I love you. I hope you’re doing okay. Please call me.’_

It was his twenty-seventh text today.

Alec was looking at his phone in one hand as his other was picking up fallen leaves. With all the dead plants buried under the soil to be used as fertilizer and all the weeds pulled out, the greenhouse looked much cleaner now. 

Taking the last fallen leaves, Alec tied up the garbage bag and placed it at the corner of the garden. He wiped sweat off his forehead and looked at his phone again. Maybe another text, he thought.

_‘I’m really sorry for what I’ve done. I promise to make it up to you. Please call me.’_

Sighing. Alec felt regret after sending that text. Maybe he was annoying Magnus too much. Maybe he was being pathetic.

But maybe, Magnus was gonna forgive him and Alec shouldn’t give up.

“Izzy, you shouldn’t come in there!” 

Jace’s voice muffled through the walls. Alec sighed. Izzy was gonna come here one way or another. 

Isabelle shouted back. “We can’t just leave him in there! He needs us!” 

The door immediately burst open. Isabelle was standing there. She was wearing her pajamas, a black silk dressing gown that ended on her knees and a white wool cardigan. She had an expression of both worry and anger. 

Behind her was Jace, but he quickly walked away when he saw Alec. That gave Alec such an unsettling feeling. 

“What the hell are you doing?!” Isabelle pointed her finger at him. 

Alec looked down at his hand. One hand was in his phone and the other was holding a pouch of acorns. “Uhhh..planting acorns.” 

“Really?” Isabelle walked closer to him. “I’ve given you enough space already. Alexander Lightwood!” 

Alec winced. His sister only used his full name in truly serious situations. 

“You’ve been here for almost two days! Did you even eat or bothered to shower?!” Isabelle placed her hands on her hips and sighed. “Look Alec, I’m here or hell Jace is here whenever you need to talk. We both don’t know the details of what has happened.”

“I still don’t wanna talk about it.” He might break if he does. “I’ll be fine. I just need some space and everything will be alright.” 

Isabelle huffed out a breath and plupped herself down the stone bench. “Look Alec, I don’t want you to keep…..suppressing your emotions.”

“Suppressing my emotions. What the hell are you talking about?” 

“It’s something Simon taught me about one time.” Isabelle ranned a hand through her hair with a sudden soft smile forming. Alec has noticed she always looked giddy when there was a mention of the vampire. “He told me some stuff about mental health when the war in Idris happened and Max...” 

Max’s name always brought an aguishing atmosphere. But the fact that Isabelle can at least mention his name is already an improvement.

“So now you’re learning mundane culture?” Alec replied sourly. 

“Look, mundanes are actually better than us in some ways.” She explained. “It’s just that. It’s not good to hold everything in.” 

His sister looked at his eyes with a worried look. “ Alec, I know you are uncomfortable with talking about it, but maybe just telling me a bit of information can help. ” 

Alec took in her words. Maybe telling her can ease the heavy feeling in his chest. But then when he was about to open his mouth, a rather quick memory flashed in his mind.

_“Men always remain strong. Don’t you dare be weak Alec.” Robert had said when at nine years old, he was crying._

He turned around, looking at the opposite of his sister. “I’m still not ready to talk. I’m sorry.”

A silence occurred between the two of them for a while. Alec didn’t know what else to say. 

“ I care about you, Alec.” Isabelle said, surprising him. He turned back to her seeing a determined look. “You clearly are not grieving properly by shutting yourself in. ”

Huh. His sister really loved him that much despite his protests. 

She stood up. Her head held high. It looked like nothing could stop her. Her determination was something Alec had always admired. 

To Alec’s surprise, she started walking towards the exit. 

“I’ll bring you food when I come back.” Isabelle said before closing the door behind her. “Can’t have you starving to death. I’ll keep bringing you food till you finally come out of this stupide place.”

The door closed with a loud thud and Alec could her footsteps getting softer as she walked away further. He almost smiled. His sister is the most annoying yet loving person in the world.

He laid down on the stone bench. Suddenly feeling the fatigue that came from long hours of labor work. For the past day, he couldn’t sleep because if he tried, thoughts of Magnus plagued him. The memories of the past seemed so melancholic that Alec didn’t even want to touch him.

Alec remembered nights at Magnus’ apartment where they would lay together wrapped around each other. Magnus always had a soundproof ward around his unit so whenever Alec visited it always felt like the condo was their private island. It was a mini universe just for the two of them.

Magnus’ chest was warm and soft. The warlock always wrapped a comforting arm around him as Alec would tell the warlock things he never told anyone. He told the warlock stories of his grief, anger and pain. Things he had never told anyone and was afraid to tell anyone.

Magnus was the only person Alec could cry in front of.   
  
Perhaps that’s why Alec kept trying to communicate with Magnus. After all, who else can Alec cling to when he was drowning?  
____________________________________________________________________________

_Alec was currently placing some ceramic pots on Magnus’ window sill. It had been a week ever since Jace had disappeared and Alec still couldn’t keep his worries away. His parabatai mark felt empty, like a piece of himself was gone._

_“Visited a plant shop before coming here?” Magnus purred behind him._

_Alec turned his head. Magnus had just gotten out of the shower. The warlock’s hair was wrapped in a towel but he was dressed in a red polo with black pants._

_Red like Camille’s beautiful dresses. Alec had thought bitterly. Camille always dressed elegantly while Alec only wore loose old sweaters that were worn out._

_“Yeah I did.” Alec swallowed the harsh taste in his mouth. “Needed to keep my mind off of things. They had some forget-me-not seeds on sale. So I thought why not?”_

_He turned back to the ceramic pots and started to pour soil in them. His hands were currently wearing rubber gloves because he knew Magnus would hate it if his hands were dirty._

_A pair of warm arms suddenly wrapped around the shadowhunter’s waist and Magnus plopped his head on his right shoulder. Alec still continued to pour soil. He got used to the warlock’s embraces of affection._

_“Weren’t they the first flower Hodge taught you how to plant?” The warlock asked._

_Normally, Alec has a hard time talking when Hodge is mentioned. Magnus was the only person Alec was comfortable talking about his old mentor with._

_“Yeah. He had a liking to these flowers.” Alec answered, casually. He grabbed a small shovel and started to dig. “He said he loved how the flowers had an interesting backstory.”_

_“And what story may that be?”_

_“Really you’ve never heard of it?” Alec raised an eyebrow. “Aren’t you supposed to be wise and all knowing?”_

_Magnus chuckled. “Well my wise brain can’t store everything.”_

_“It is a myth about two lovers.” Alec explained as he picked up seeds from the tiny pouch he left at the side. “It started at the Danube River where two lovers first saw blue blossoms at the river.”_

_Alec placed the seeds in the dugged out hole. “The woman wanted the flowers. So the man went down to retrieve them. After he grabbed them, he gave it to the woman. But before he could climb out of the river, the river swept him away. So he yelled to the woman to remember him as the water took him away.”_

_“Well….” Magnus started. “That’s one unoriginal story right there.”_

_“I know right, but Hodge had always liked old fashioned tales. He liked how simple they were.”_

_Magnus hummed and his right hand started to caress Alec’s waist. “So did the woman remember the man?”_

_“It was never revealed.” Alec answered as he finished burying the flower seeds. “The story ended.”_

_“Huh?” was the only thing Magnus said after._

_Alec then took off his rubber gloves and placed his right hand on Magnus' head. He ran his fingers through the black locks as Magnus purred in pleasure._

_They both stood there in that position staring at the setting sky of Brooklyn. It was silent but Alec’s mind couldn’t help but be loud._

_He had felt like he was that man. The man who wants his lover to remember him even if he was gone. Magnus had many lovers. Lovers that Alec had only a little information on._

_His thoughts coming back to Camille and her elegant dresses. Perhaps some of Magnus’ lovers were as beautiful as her or ever more so. Comparing himself to them, he might as well just be dust in a universe filled with bright stars._

_He didn’t want Magnus to forget him but he can’t help but always feel that Magnus would._

* * *

When Clary visited, Alec was really shocked. So far, he had been staying in the greenhouse for almost a week, and Izzy had been the only one visiting him because she delivered him food. She had also been forcing him to shower. 

Seeing the girl’s red curls was something Alec had unpredicted. He expected to see Izzy again or perhaps Jace but instead green eyes stared at him. 

Her arms were crossed and she had a slightly provoked expression. 

“Clary...hi there...” Alec started slowly. Him and Clary really don’t talk much. He doesn’t know what to say. “.....Do….. you need anything?” 

Clary still gave him a blank look at him as he continued to water the violets, he just placed this morning. 

“Jace says he needs your help in paperwork.” Clary said bluntly.

“Ohhh..” Alec continued to stare at the violets. But after he had thoroughly processed the words Clary uttered, he dropped his watering can.”Wait, what?! Jace is doing paperwork.” 

So the universe must have changed while he was in the greenhouse cause Jace hates paperwork. The man could not even read two contracts before shoving the documents in the trash.

“We’ve been doing the records for Idris while you were here.” Clary stated. “Jace insisted that he and I substitute for you. Right now, he needs your help in writing the letter for the Consul and your signature is required. ” 

Alec still couldn’t answer her. He was wondering if pigs started to fly. 

Clearly some sort of invisible patience drained out of Clary because she immediately let out a big sigh and crossed her arms. “Alright, fuck it. I can’t do this.” She grumbled. “He just misses you okay? You two haven’t talked for a week and he wanted to make an excuse to see you. It’s been pissing me off that he just doesn’t come here.” 

Him and Clary had always been the blunt ones in the institute. Alec would always say the logical truth that may hurt others but was what would be best in the long run while Clary would say what’s in her mind and beliefs. 

To be honest, Alec always had been jealous of Clary’s openness in expressing herself. 

“He keeps telling me, he misses you.” Clary continued. She leaned against the door behind her refusing to come closer. “Look Alec, I get that you need your time to heal, but Jace is also going through alot. He’s filled out with Heavenly Fire and he’s recently just got out of Sebastian’s control.”

Hearing about his parabatai’s state made Alec feel devastated. He never wanted to hurt his best friend. 

Clary huffed as she turned around back to the door. “He needs you and you need him right now. Just come to the office and hang out.”

She opened the door with a small tweak. Alec knew she has been protective over Jace ever since the whole situation with Sebastian. Always keeping an eye on his golden haired parabatai and voicing out his needs while Jace expressed he didn’t like his girlfriend being overbearing, Alec knew that Jace appreciated it.

* * *

Hearing his parabatai’s sorrow was enough for him to ignore his inner turmoil for a while, and get out of the greenhouse. As he sauntered out, his thoughts started to drift back in him again. Gardening helped to keep them at bay but now the hallways in the Institute seemed so silent.

_ Find Jace. Concentrate.  _ Alec snapped to himself. 

The office was just at a floor underneath the greenhouse. It was a room that Alec had memorized because his parents would always bring him there and teach him on how to handle the Institute. He was gonna become the Institute Head in the future and they made sure he knew how to do this job. 

He was also tasked to substitute for his mother when she was in Idris but this week he hadn’t had the chance to accomplish any of his work. That gave him a guilty feeling in his stomach. While he was busy grieving, he forgot the responsibility he was tasked with. He never forgot his responsibilities before. 

When he entered the office, Jace was at the desk staring at a paper in confusion. His parabatai was also shaking the paper furiously. 

“Are you trying to destroy the contract to the Consul?” Alec commented leaning against the wall.

His parabatai turned upon hearing his voice. Jace gave his signature smirk that almost looked like a smile.

“Alec.” Jace said. “You’ve finally come out of your forest.” 

Typical Jace, always teasing. 

Alec sighed and came closer. He grabbed the contract out of Jace’s hands which made his best friend slightly shocked.

“Want me to take over? You clearly look troubled. ” Alec said. He smiled, but he knew it was fake. A mask to make his parabatai feel better. In reality, he was feeling guilty that he forgot to do his job and Jace had to do it for him. “I’ll be the one to finish all the requirements needed. You can stand up and go train or whatever.”

Surprisingly, Jace didn’t move and said. “Do you want to be the one to finish?”

This was strange because it was always what Jace wanted. If Jace wanted to sword fight, they would sword fight. If Jace wanted to wrestle, they would wrestle. If Jace wanted to hunt, they would hunt. Alec always had been okay with it. Hell, he was even glad to always give his parabatai what he wanted. 

“Uhhhh... I’m okay with doing it…” Alec scratched his head. His smile dropped. 

“So …. no then.” Jace reads him well. “Just give me your signature and you can go back to wherever. ”

“Ummm….what?” 

Jace’s eyes widened. “Ummm well…” His eyes avoid Alec’s gaze. “Clary said it would help you if I hear what you want….”

Oh great now both of his siblings were listening to mundance culture. 

“Like something about doing pleasurable things can help cope.” Jace continued.

Who is this person? Where was his real parabatai? 

“This is weird. You’re being weird.” Alec blurted out.

“Alec, I just want to..” Jace paused clearly and he also started to feel the same way as Alec. “help you feel better.” 

“I came here because…...I also wanted to help you feel better.”

They both stood, not knowing what to do. 

“Look …….” Jace said. “You haven’t come out for almost a week, and it sucks not having my parabatai around.”

“Then why didn’t you visit me?” Alec asked. Normally nothing stops Jace from going from what he wants. He knew Jace would’ve dragged him out of the greenhouse even if Alec was screaming and kicking. 

“You needed your space, and I wanted to respect that.” Jace gazed at him with such vulnerable eyes. 

The Jace he knew isn’t this vulnerable and sensitive. They were both similar like that. Both were raised to be tough skinned Shadowhunter. Jace was always better at putting on a strong proud mask. 

Now, Alec wondered when his parabatai had changed so much and he didn’t even see it.

“I’m sorry.” Alec felt guilty when he saw the care in his parabatai’s eyes. “I should've been here for you guys then you and Clary wouldn’t have done my work. ”

“I wanted to do this. It’s fine.” Jace said. 

“Really?” Alec raised an eyebrow. Jace had never been interested in Head work before. 

“After the whole experience with Sebastian, I realised I wanted to prevent more Shadowhunters from getting controlled like what I went through.” Jace explained. “Simon told me that a position of power is how you can make the most change.”

“You’ve been hanging out with …. Simon?” Now that was a weird image. Jace and Simon being buddy buddy. 

“I know right. I hate it.” Jace twirled a pen in his hand. “But Clary told me it would help if I hung out with some friends after that whole thing with Sebastian. You needed your space and Izzy has been busy with Clary …. So the only other person I could ask was Simon.” 

Jealousy started to boil inside of Alec. It was hard honestly realising that your best friend was hanging out with other people. But Alec let the feelings die down because he didn’t want to be more selfish than how he was for the past days, and asked. “How is it? Hanging with Simon?”

“Well …. I enjoy beating him. He’s been wanting to learn how to fight even if he literally has no talent for it.” Jace smiled amused. “Sometimes, we’re with Jordan, his werewolf room mate, and he teaches some breathing stuff that helps calm the heavenly fire.”

“Ohh yeah, that’s good. I’m happy for you.” Alec’s tone was definitely the opposite of his words. 

Jace had noticed. “None of them compare to you though. They can only last 1 minute in a fight with me, at least you can last a lot longer.” 

His words filled Alec with glee. This honestly Jace’s way of saying he appreciates you.

“I’m here for what you’re going through, and even if you’re sad, I don’t mind. ” Jace asked. Alec could honestly embrace his parabatai so tight. He felt so much delight and happiness at that moment. “So just give me your signature and you can go wherever you want. I’ll handle your job for a while. “ 

“Thanks” Alec smiled really wildly. He looked down at the contract in his hands ready to sign. But as he read through the document, he realised how much his parabatai knew nothing about his job. 

“This is the worst contract I have ever seen.” Alec blurted out. 

Jace dropped his pen. “Excuse me? I worked hard on that!” 

“The Idris seal needs to be at the top right but instead you placed it at the bottom left.” Alec placed the document in front of Jace. “You also spelled Jia’s name wrong!”

“Well, sorry I didn’t know.” Jace held his hands up. “Shit then the others….” 

Disappointment was the only thing Alec was feeling. He wasn’t disappointed in Jace but in himself because he should’ve known his parabatai wasn’t fit for the job. 

“Alright what files did you mess with?” Alec asked with a frown. This was gonna be a lot of work. 

Jace scratched his head. Clearly, he knew he was in trouble. “Ummmm...the Records. I just reorganized them and added more files.”

Alec sighed. It was a really big sigh. The Records was a big file cabinet filled with the past documents of the Institute and the recorded missions. It was also the largest pile of documents in the office. 

It didn’t take long for Alec to flick his thumb and finger in his parabatai’s exposed forehead. 

“Ouch, what the hell?!” Jace rubbed the hit spot.

“Good. It should hurt.” Alec scolded. “Now, I clearly can’t leave you alone here. So I'll teach you how to handle the Institute properly. First lesson, fixing the records and we can’t leave this office till we’re done, alright?”

Jace had no choice but to agree. 

____________________________________________________________________________

Jace ended up taking a nap after the records were fixed. It was funny, his parabatai could go more than a day of fighting and training but filing papers tired him out easily. Jace looked awfully like a curled up cat sleeping on the couch. 

Alec was reading the newly edited contract when a knock came to the door. 

“Come in.” He called out. 

Clary opened the door holding two mugs of hot chocolate in one hand. She placed one on the table beside Jace’s couch and reached one out to Alec. “You two had fun?” 

“Thanks.” Alec accepted it and gave a sip. “And sorting out three hundreds years of documents is not fun.”

Clary moved to Jace, who was snoring, and stroked her boyfriend’s hair. “But at least you two finally saw each other.”

Alec couldn’t help but agree with her. It felt really nice to spend time with Jace even if the scenario was paperwork. 

“Sorry by the way.” Clary blurted out. “I should’ve stopped Jace from messing with the records cabinet, then you wouldn’t have to spend so much time fixing it.”

“It’s fine. It was actually fun teaching Jace something he isn’t good at. Rare to see him without his ego.” Alec hummed but he was surprised he meant his words. Mentoring his parabatai about head work was actually enjoyable. 

Clary laughed and the relaxed nature of the atmosphere was quite strange because their relationship has always been awkward. He was just her boyfriend’s brother and she was just his brother’s girlfriend. Their old rivalry for Jace’s affection may be gone but it doesn’t mean they grew any sort of close relationship with one another. 

“Thanks by the way…” Alec immediately blurted out. 

“Huh?” Clary replied. She was shocked. 

“I heard you suggested requesting the consul to have warlocks enhance the wards around institutes.” Alec held the contract in his hands. “Even with Jace’s mistakes earlier, it’s a pretty good idea. I helped him fix the errors and I’m sure Jia would accept the proposition.”

“Ohhhh...I...Uhhh…” Clary blushed. She ran a hand through her hair. “Thanks.” 

“You’re really great for my parabatai.” Alec stated honestly. 

“You’re honest with him, and you also give him good advice and ideas.” Alec continued. His gaze lowered. His mind drifting back to thoughts of Magnus. If him and Magnus were honest with one another, would the warlock still have broken up with him? Would Alec have gone to Camille in desperation?

Clary’s eyes gaze up. She clearly isn’t used to compliments. “I just told him that we should openly communicate with one another ever since we escaped Sebastian. Miscommunication has caused a lot of problems between us.” 

Alec took her words in. “How are you not afraid to speak your opinion to him?”

“Huh??” 

“How are you not scared that your words will scare him away?” Alec has always been scared to speak his mind. 

“Alec…” Clary’s voice became sympathetic. “Relationships are always about honesty. One should always speak their mind.” 

“Huh..” Alec now wondered what it would have liked if he was raised as a mundane like Clary. Where mundanes encourage one to be themselves and speak their minds. Not be encouraged to hide their true selves in order to climb higher in a social ladder.

“Did...Magnus….” Clary asked hesitantly.

“What...No!” Alec answered immediately knowing the girl’s implications. “Magnus lets me have a …..it’s just that …. I was just afraid to speak my mind, and he was also…..afraid to speak his own.” 

Part of the reason Alec came to Camille was because he wanted to get to know his own boyfriend more. Magnus was just so private and Alec felt like he didn’t know the man he was in a relationship with. 

It also irked Alec that Camille knew more about Magnus than him, Magnus’ boyfriend. Well now Magnus’ former boyfriend. 

“That’s not a good relationship.” Clary blurted out without thinking before realizing her mistake. 

“Don’t say sorry.” Alec said before she can apologize. “You’re being honest and I appreciate that.” 

Clary smiled at him and that was the moment Alec knew how she managed to create miracles when she entered into their world. She managed to make Jace open up, make shadowhunters more open to downworlders and hell managed to make Alec open about Magnus whom he hasn’t talked about with anyone.

It wasn’t her angelic blood or her hereditary. It was her bravery to speak her opinion. 

They both carried Jace to his bed after since it was already late at night. Alec was the one to plop his parabatai down and Clary was the one who tucked the golden haired shadowhunter. 

Clary bids him goodnight and Alec went back to the greenhouse with more thoughts in his mind. 


	2. Geranium

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello second chapter is here. Also a shounen training session -ish...

Ever since his talk with Clary and Simon, Alec had been coming out of the greenhouse. Although he only comes out in the afternoon thrice a week, it's a massive improvement from isolating himself all day. 

Mainly at first he’s been coming out to make sure Jace doesn’t mess up more paperwork but then it turns to him teaching Jace and Clary how to run the Institute. The office has become a sort of classroom because Clary and Jace would sit on the couch and Alec would explain to them the basics and principles of handling an institute. Alec didn’t know how it came to this since he meant to just help the couple with the work.

Alec ended up not minding the natural development. It gives him glee when he sees Jace spelling words correctly and Clary understanding the inner system of the Institute. Oddly it reminds him of how his parents used to teach him Institute work but the difference was that Clary and Jace had so much enthusiasm compared to his younger self. 

Isabelle also ends up barging in the office a lot with take-out food proclaiming it’s break time, which Jace loves. The four of them would enjoy fast food together as Isabelle would tell them on the latest gossip in the Clave. 

Then one day, while Alec was teaching about the importance of checking the maintenance of the facilities in the Institute, Isabelle barged in as usual but with no food in her hands. 

“Well, Izzy just went broke.” Jace said which made Isabelle glare at him. 

“If you keep being mean like that, I won’t buy you food ever again.” Isabelle countered which made Jace shut up quickly. “Anyway today, I wasn’t the one to buy the food. Someone very kind bought for us instead, and they’re in the Sanctuary right now with the goods.”

It didn’t take Alec very long to know that Isabelle was talking about Simon. 

They quickly went out of the office and into the Sanctuary. They did get quite hungry after three hours of lecture. 

Entering the Sanctuary, Simon was at a table where pizza boxes had already been open and two bottles of soda were placed with plastic cups beside them.

“Looks good.” Clary commented, taking a seat beside Simon.

“Pizza Hut had a sale on cheese pizza today. It was a miracle I got ones that were fresh from the oven.” Simon said. 

Jace immediately started grabbing the food as soon as he sat down across Clary. Alec greeted Simon with a nod and sat beside his parabatai.

“I was there with Simon buying the pizza. The place was really packed and crowded.” Isabelle took the other seat beside Simon even though there was an empty one beside Alec. 

Alec took a slice of cheese pizza and ate it quietly as his brother and sister held the conversation. He wasn’t really the type to do a lot of small talk but he had Jace and Isabelle to do it for him. 

Soon the pizza boxes were empty, and they all started to sip on their soda. Simon, who didn’t touch the pizza earlier, took out a packet of red liquid from his pocket and mixed the contents of the bags into his soda.

“That smells disgusting. Where the hell did u get that, vampire?” Jace commented. 

“Hospital. Catarina gave me some donor bags.” Simon said. 

Alec immediately paused drinking his soda. 

“She told me Magnus would give this type of blood to Raphael cause he would enchant them or something.” Simon continued unaware of the uneasiness growing in the atmosphere. Clary immediately elbowed Simon in the stomach which made him stop talking. 

Alec hadn’t talked about Magnus ever since his late night talk with Clary. Simon’s face grew guilty when he finally realised his mistake. 

Trying to wear down the atmosphere, Alec faked a smile. 

“It’s fine. I’m okay. It’s really alright.” He said trying to convince the others and well he was trying to also convince himself. 

The others don’t seem convinced with their worried looks.

“I haven’t tried to contact him so it’s going okay. Yeah…” Alec admitted. 

That was true. Knowing now that his relationship wasn’t as glamorous as he thought, Alec 

couldn’t bring himself to contact the warlock. He used to try to call the warlock everyday but ever since he started to go out of the greenhouse and teach Jace and Clary, he had other stuff going on. 

He also had to reevaluate his relationship with the warlock. 

“Ohhhh I see... “ Jace said. 

“It’s good you stopped calling.” Isabelle said. “Bad to keep contact after breakups.” 

The conversation immediately shifted to something else because well they knew that Alec isn’t comfortable with talking about his relationship drama. Alec was grateful they appreciated his privacy. 

The little hang-out soon ended with Clary and Jace going on an impromptu date. Not so much after, Isabelle had to leave because she remembered she had a friend-date with Maia (Alec finds their friendship weird since both used to sort-of date Simon).

Now it was just him and the vampire. 

Since him and Simon have an awkward relationship, Alec stood up already knowing what excuse to make. Plus he didn’t want to deal with the vampire that cheated on his sister. 

But Simon immediately shouted “Please tutor me!” and bowed his head for some odd reason. 

Alec looked down at the vampire’s face in confusion. “You want me to teach you how the Institute works, like Jace and Clary?”

“What? No!” Simon shook his head. “I want you to teach me how to fight.”

“Isn’t Jace already teaching you? He’s way better at sparring than I am.”

“Well…” Simon stood so he could look Alec face to face. “We both use similar weapons. You know...bow and arrow, and I was wondering if you can teach me how to use it better.”

Alec stared at Simon’s face, not knowing how to respond to the vampire’s desperate face. “I’m already teaching your best friend and my parabatai how to do paperwork. It might be best to find another teacher.” 

Alec started walking towards the exit of the Sanctuary. But Simon’s hand on his shoulder stopped him, and Alec glared at the vampire. 

“Wait!” Simon said. “I..”

“Find another teacher.” Alec interrupted. 

“A war is coming and I want to be able to protect Izzy!” Simon shouted.

Alec paused. A silence came between the two of them. The vampire’s words certainly caused a tug in Alec’s heart. It was sweet in a weird desperate way. 

After a few moments, Alec answered “Friday morning, 8 am. Meet up here. Don’t be late.” 

He left the room leaving the vampire staring at the door. 

  
  


* * *

_How is the Institute?_

The first text he received from his mother after two weeks. Alec was currently cleaning the lily pond when his phone vibrated. He quickly took it out of his pocket hoping it was Magnus but his hope deflated when he saw it was his mother.

_The Institute is doing fine. Jace and Clary have been helping me do the paperwork._ It’s a half-lie. He didn’t want to tell his mother that he had been teaching the couple because he knew that his mother would respond negatively. 

There was a pause before a response came.

_That’s good. It is quite efficient._ Maryse responded. _Your father has recently hired a secretary to finish his work faster._

This was the first news he had received about his father. Unlike his mom, who tries to text, his father hasn’t said a word to his children. 

_That’s nice._ Alec replied.

_Your warlock just arrived. He’s the representative of the Downworlder alliance meeting today._ His mother added which made Alec almost drop his phone.

Luckily Alec knew that his mother and father wouldn’t speak to the warlock because their relationship was too awkward. When Alec introduced the warlock to his parents, the two parties just spoke a few words and shook hands. Every time either of his parents and Magnus were in the same area, they normally avoided contact unless Alec connected them. 

A temptation certainly came when Alec learned the information from his mother. He was tempted to text his mother to tell the warlock he was sorry for everything. He wants to tell Magnus that he was in so much turmoil about their relationship. Yet even with all the turmoil, Alec still just wanted to feel Magnus’ arms around him. 

But he held down his emotions and texted back. _Oh, okay._ He also didn’t want to disclose the news of the break-up through text. He’d prefer to tell his mother in real life. 

_The meeting is about to start. I will have to leave soon._

_Ohhh...alright then. Good luck with the meeting._

_Tell Isabelle and Jace that I miss them._

That made Alec smile a bit, he did enjoy his mother’s (quite few) signs of affection. _I will_

_Also make sure to report weekly on the Institute’s well-being. Your father has recently requested for Institutes to give weekly reports. I’m giving this to you early so you’ll have more time to prepare._

Alec let out a big sigh. Great more Institute work to do. 

_Yes, I will. I’ll make sure to get the job done._ He replies, as usual. He’s always followed his parents’ orders.

Oddly, agreeing to it made him more tense. 

* * *

“This is bad.” Alec commented. 

Simon groaned when he heard Alec’s comment. The vampire had a bow ready to shoot a target, which Alec had brought from the training room. From what Alec can observe right now Simon had a good form in archery and was quite familiar in using the weapon.

_Shoot._

The arrow shot perfectly in the bull’s eye of the target.

Simon smiled at his result. “How is that bad?” 

“You’re good at shooting targets.” Alec hummed. “But you’re really slow.” 

“Excuse me..” Simon said both somewhat offended and confused.

“You take too long to find your aim and to stretch the string of the bow. It took about a minute before you shot your arrow.” Alec explained. “Also while yes your form is good, but you stand very still and in a battlefield you have to be quick on your feet.” 

The vampire lowered the bow he was holding and had a thoughtful look. “Huhhh...guess summer camp didn’t teach everything.” 

“You have the basics down but your skill in a battlefield is horrible.” Alec said. 

“Well how am I supposed to learn how to be faster then?” Simon asked. 

Alec took a dagger from his belt. Without batting an eye, Alec threw the dagger to the target. The weapon hit the bull’s eye, replacing the arrow hit earlier because the sharp edge cut the arrow in half. 

Simon’s eyes were wide with amazement as he looked at the target then back at Alec. “Dude, wow.” 

“Your first lesson would be to find your aim faster.” Alec said. “Throwing a knife requires less strength than using a bow. This will improve your speed in accuracy. Your goal is to be able to do what I’ve done earlier.” 

“You mean..hitting the bull’s eye in like less than a millisecond?” Simon responded with eyes wide. 

“It wasn’t a millisecond. It took me longer than that.” Alec answered as he walked to the target and got the dagger.

He walked back and handed the knife to the vampire. “I’ll be gone for a hour. I expect you to be able to do it by then.”

“Excuse..what?!” Simon protested. “I can’t do that alone! Dude what the hell?!” 

“You have a lot of potential. You probably can.” Alec commented before leaving the Sanctuary. The vampire was left confused holding a dagger in his hand. 

When Alec entered the hallway outside the Sanctuary, he didn’t expect Isablle to be sitting on the floor beside the door. 

“Izzy.” Alec said. “What are you doing here?”

Isabelle looked up at him with a face full of embarrassment. “I was here to….say hello to you.”

That lie clearly sounded more convincing in her head but it was obvious to Alec.

“You were here for Simon’s training.” Alec stated the obvious. 

“Alright, fine , yeah…” Isabelle admitted. “I’m legit though on checking on you.”

Checking on him was what she had been doing since the breakup. His sister would constantly give him food and see him in the greenhouse.

“Anyway, why on earth did you just leave?” Isabelle asked. Her worry for Simon showed. “You should be in there helping him as his teacher.”

Alec stayed silent before answering. “I thought it was the best move.” 

“Best move?” Isabelle raised an eyebrow. 

“Yeah.” Alec said. 

“That literally doesn’t make any sense. You legit lecture Jace and Clary for hours but you leave Simon in the first thirty minutes.” 

“Jace and Clary are different from Simon.” Alec explained. “In fact, they are opposites. Jace and Clary are overconfident in their abilities meaning I have to be there to stop them and teach them the proper ways of doing things. But Simon has no confidence in his abilities, which is why he keeps asking for teachers, and he needs to know his own potential by experiencing them himself.” 

“Huh…” Isabelle says. “Makes sense. Didn’t expect you to know so much Alec.”

“Hodge used to explain to me some of his tips.” Alec was surprised he was able to say his old mentor’s name casually. 

“He did like to talk.” Isabelle answered. “Anyway where are you headed off to? I can join you.”

Him and Isabelle started to walk away from the door of the Sanctuary. “You okay with leaving Simon?” He asked.

“As you said he needs to learn his own potential by himself.” Isabelle said.

“Ohh okay.” Alec answered. “I’ll be heading to the Head office. You sure you wanna join me?” 

“It’s been awhile since the two of us hung out outside the greenhouse.” Isabelle commented. “So yeah I really don’t mind.”

“I’m sorry by the way.” Alec admitted. It’s something he’s been wanting to tell his sister. “You didn’t have to go through all that trouble of bringing food to me everyday. I’m sorry I was such a sad prick that can’t take care of myself.”

Isabelle paused in her steps and looked Alec in the eye. “Remember that time when that werewolf broke up with me and I wouldn’t come out of my room for a week.”

Alec scratches his head. He did remember some parts of the past. “A bit.”

“You were there for me during that time. You would constantly give me ice cream and let me cry in your shirt even if you were so busy. You were there to take care of me.” Isabelle touched his shoulder. “I don’t mind giving back and being the one to take care of you.”

“You don’t have to. You’t don’t owe me.” Alec answered back. 

“I want to, Alec.” She replied firmly.

“I’ll start bringing my own food to the greenhouse. It’s really fine.” He insisted and placed a hand over her’s on his shoulder.

Isabelle smiled but her eyes were still hesitant. “I’m happy with the development but I’ll still keep coming to check on you. Can’t have you forgetting meals.”

Alec sighs. There is no beating Isabelle’s stubbornness. “Alright fine. Keep doing what you want.” 

They both continue walking and Isabelle asks. “How come you’re going to the Head office this early in the morning? You hate office work.”

“Mom told me that the Clave requires weekly reports from now on.” Alec answered. “And I don’t hate office work.”

“You do. You just never admit it.” She poked his arm. “You don’t want to not like what mom and dad want you to do.”

Alec looked at her. She has always been the most observant in their family. It was like she had a superpower and could see someone’s most inner secret from just looking at them. 

He really didn’t want to admit it but Isabelle is right. Hearing her statement helped him find the answer of why earlier he felt tense with his mom’s text, and his lack of enthusiasm when his parents would teach him about the workings of the Institute.

“Huh?” Was all he could say cause he didn’t know what to do after learning that information. 

When Alec came back to the Sanctuary, as expected Simon was able to throw the knife into the target. Simon looked very proud of himself and his back was held high which oddly gave Alec some glee. The vampire looked to have more confidence in himself. 

The Shadowhunter informed Simon that now he is able to find the aim faster, they can start with incorporating running with knife-throwing. Alec explained that the next exercise to run across the Sanctuary while hitting five targets in exactly the bull’s eye.

Unlike earlier where Simon aced the exercise, Simon couldn’t hit a single bull’s eye throughout the whole training session, which lowered the vampire’s mood. 

Alec feeling bad for the vampire says. “Practice till the next session.” 

Alright, Alec may feel bad for the vampire but he’s not gonna warm up to his sister’s crush/sort-of ex. 

Simon nodded, taking in his words.

The next weeks oddly made Alec actually admire Simon in a higher light, because the vampire truly took his training seriously. Hell, he was being such a good student. 

Simon would train very hard during and even outside their training session. Alec would hear from Isabelle that Simon would train almost every night and Alec felt very proud when he heard that. Everytime, they had their training session on Friday, Simon would ace all the exercises Alec assigned him to achieve. 

“I can’t believe I just did that!” Simon shouted in glee. 

The vampire had his arm up with a bow in his hand. He had just finished hitting ten targets within one and a half minutes. 

Alec smiled at his student. It was nice seeing Simon grow to his potential. 

“You’re a great teacher, Alec. I couldn’t have done this without you.” Simon says with a high amount of gratitude. 

“You’re a big part of your own improvement.” Alec answers back. 

“Huh…” Simon hummed as he stretched his arms and placed the bow down. “You’re actually pretty soft dude.”

“What?!” Alec responds, not expecting those words from the vampire. 

“You act mean but you’re actually really nice.” Simon smiled which oddly made Alec wanna punch his face. 

Alec decided to just say. “Whatever.” 

Simon huffed with a smile and Alec picked up the bow Simon placed down.

“How come you agreed to teach me?” Simon asked as he looked up to the ceiling. “I mean dude I’m grateful for you teaching me but I can see you’re not very fond of me.”

Ahhh, there is Simon’s insecurity showing. Alec could see the slight sad look in Simon’s eyes. It was obvious that Simon is the type to compare himself to others. 

“I don’t hate you.” Alec huffed, feeling bad for his own cold attitude. “I just hate the relationship between you and my sister.”

“Huh?”

“You and my sister used to date and I can honestly see that you two are gonna date again. It’s Isabelle’s choice and I respect that but I hate that you dated another person behind her back.” Alec explained honestly. Simon was about to open his mouth and apologize. “I know you already apologized to Izzy and she forgave you but words won’t convince me you won’t hurt her again.”

“Then I’ll show you.” Simon said with an intense determination in his eyes. 

Alec looked at him in the eye. “Then I won’t have any doubts then.”

Simon gave him a look of confusion back. 

“You showed me how determined and strong you are in training.” Alec explained. “I’m sure you’ll be able to show how determined you are to be with Isabelle.”

“Thanks dude.” Simon answered back. “I’m surprised you have a lot of faith in me. I mean Jace legit told me I had zero potential when I trained with him.”

“That’s just Jace, he’s not the most observant person.” Alec huffed. “I already knew you had a lot of potential. You just couldn’t see it.” 

Simon scratches his head in embarrassment. “Thanks for that.”

_The vampire does say ‘thank you’ a lot._ Alec thought. 

“Question…”Alec asked. “How are you still close with Clary?”

“Huh?”

Alec looked at Simon. It’s what he’s been curious about since before because despite past history with Simon’s old love for Clary, the two of them are doing fine. “You two use to date and you used to be in love with her. How are you two still close?”

“Time.” Simon answered. “At first it was because I realized that I didn’t have a chance with her and she’s happier with Jace. But after, I realized that I love her more as a friend than being in love with her.”

Simon’s story was certainly different from Alec’s because Alec was certain he was in love with Magnus. In their relationship, Alec felt an intense amount of happiness and always wanted the warlock in his arms. 

“How come you asked all of a sudden?” Simon asked, curious. 

“After me and Magnus broke up, I realized...some stuff that was wrong with our relationship. “ Alec answered, thinking about his talk with Clary. “Now, I don’t know if I can face him. I don’t think I'll look at him without thinking about all the things we did wrong.” 

“When me and Clary broke up, I realised that she was only with me because she couldn’t have Jace. It hurt so bad, to be honest. I was just a second choice.” Simon sat down on a bench. “I talked about it with her, and she apologized for not being more sensitive to my feelings. I apologized for assuming things. We both agreed to be more careful when we do things after what happened.”

“Ohh..that’s very smart.”

“Relationships can be mended as long as two parties are willing to change and compromise. With you and Magnus, I guess with what troubles you’re having now, you two need to talk about it.” Simon explained.

Alec sat down beside Simon. He can see why Isabelle grew to admire mundane culture. Simon and Clary clearly knew how to work in emotional scenarios. “You have a point, but Magnus doesn’t want to talk to me.”

“Compromise requires two parties to be willing to talk and do the action for the relationship to work.” Simon answered. “So if Magnus doesn’t want to talk, then you gotta respect it.”

Huh, he can see why Jace and Isabelle learned a lot from the vampire. 

* * *

“You’ve been enjoying Simon’s company recently.” Isabella hummed. She was seated on a bench as Alec was watering the geranium flowers.

“I was just feeling bad for him.” Alec answered. “He’s very pitiful.”

Isabelle laughed. “Just admit it. You like teaching him.”

Alec sighed and looked back at his sister. “You’re just saying that because you want us to get along.”

“It’s becoming real though.”

Alec stayed silent. Not like he can disagree. 

The sun was starting to set when Alec stopped watering the flowers. He placed the watering can down and went to his sister. 

“Teaching others has been helping you recently.” Isabelle said as Alec sat down beside her. “Maybe you should become a tutor.”

“Mom and Dad would kill me if I do.” Alec quipped. 

“They won’t. Mom loves you too much.” Isabelle answered. 

“I’m supposed to be the next Head though.” Alec looked up at the glass ceiling of the greenhouse. The sky was turning from orange to dark blue. “I don’t mind it.”

He's not sure if he wanted it. Before, he was okay with anything as long as he is with Magnus and making his family happy. He never got why Isabelle and Jace liked to rebel so much. He enjoyed seeing the proud faces on his parents' faces. 

Being with Magnus was his only rebellion. But even during his relationship with the warlock, he still tried his best to be the good son. But now after experiencing the breakup, he became selfish by gardening and teaching rather than doing his responsibility. 

Being selfish felt rather nice, Alec realised.


	3. Scarlet Zinnia and Helenium

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have updated after so longgggg

When the sun rose, the sky turned from dark orange to light blue. The glass ceiling above Alec sparkled even more. 

Alec was currently running a shovel on a lot of dirt. Once he dug a hole deep enough, he planted a helenium seed. He sighed when the seed just fell out of his hands. Clearly, he was still tired. He had slept late last night due to finishing the Institute reports the Clave requested. 

His hand ran through his hand in frustration. He knew he could’ve asked Jace and Clary to help him but when he came across the thought, he felt guilt. He should be able to do his job by himself. 

Placing the dirt above the newly planted seeds, he hummed out of pleasantry. He really needed this early morning to just relax by gardening

The phone ringing suddenly interrupted his pleasant thoughts. 

Sighing, Alec took out his phone. 

On the phone screen was Aline’s name. 

_ Odd, _ Aline never called him before. Normally he would only hear from her when Jace or Isabelle informs him. The quirky girl was closer to his more social siblings. 

“Hello…” He started when he answered the call.

“Alec, hey!!” Aline answered, so cheerful and energetic for someone awake this early.

“Hey, Aline.” He answered. “What’s up??”

“Sorry if I woke you up….Did I wake you up?” Her voice was high and chirpy.

“No, you didn’t. It’s fine.”

“Ohh okay okay yeah yeah...cool cool…” Aline mumbled. “So me and Helen were looking through mundane websites last night when we thought of a great idea. Did you know that mundanes put such weird things on the internet? Like there was this…” 

“Aline..” Helen’s gentle voice interrupted in the background. “Best to get to the point.” 

“Ohhh..yeah I got lost there. Thanks Helen!” Aline answered back. 

They seemed nice together Alec thought listening to their short conversation, but a sharp pain of jealousy came. The two women remind him of his relationship with Magnus. 

“Basically, Helen and I are thinking that we should make a LGBT shadowhunter group.” Aline said firmly. 

“What?” Alec’s confused. He’s never heard of that before.

“Mundane and downworlders usually have organizations or groups for their LGBT communities. Shadowhunters are the only group that doesn’t have one.” Aline said. “This might be what the LGBT shadowhunter youth needs.” 

Honestly it sounded so confusing to Alec. What does a LGBT group mean? What would they do? 

Then paranoia entered his mind. He thought about how the Clave was too old-fashioned to accept any sort of organization related to homosexuality. Hell, being a gay shadowhunter was already so hard, as Alec had experienced after coming out, so making a whole organization would be even harder. 

“Are you with the idea?” Aline piped out bluntly. 

“I’ll think about it…”

* * *

_ Would it be possible to get your response, this week? _

This was Aline’s fifth text within the day. Alec sighed. He was starting to get annoyed by Aline’s poking. Every hour, she would send some sort of text about the LGBT shadowhunter group. He has gotten multiple links to articles and videos of the benefits of having such a community, but he hasn’t found the time to watch or read any of them because of work.

His father recently reported that the Clave requires more updates on the status of their Institute. The council has been fearing that the New York Institute may not be doing their job as well. 

Alec’s palm slammed down on the office desk. Before he came out of the closet, the Clave had never requested this much updates, but now because of his sexuality, they were doubting his current position as substitute head. 

Some part of him knew that if he accepted Aline’s offer, the situation would get worse. It would even make it more obvious to the Clave that he was gay. 

_ I’m sorry Aline, but I have to decline your offer.  _ He was about to reply.

But the opening of the front door stopped him. 

“Hey, you’re still here?” 

It was Clary. Her orange curls were tied in a tight ponytail and she was wearing pink pajama bottoms. A long black jacket hid her sleeping-wear top. 

“What are you doing here? It’s late.” Alec asked because as far as Alec knew Clary was supposed to be at home with her mom. 

“Me and my mom had a fight.” Clary explained and plopped herself on the sofa. “I came here so I don’t have to deal with her for a while.”

“Ohh..” Alec said simply because it was quite normal for Clary to sleepover at the Institute every time her and her mom fought. What was odd was that Clary came into the Head office rather than into Jace’s bedroom.

Clary catches Alec’s contemplated look. “I was supposed to head to Jace’s but I saw the lights were still on here. So I came to check.”

“I just have some late night work to finish.” 

“That’s a lot..” Clary glanced at the stacks of paper on his desk.

“Clave is requesting daily reports. It’s like they want to make sure we don’t waste a minute.” Alec sighed, slumping down his seat. 

“You know, me and Jace could’ve helped you with it.”

Alec’s gaze turned away, looking up at the chandelier ceiling. He never asked Jace or Clary to help him because he is the reason why the Clave was doubting the institute. It was his responsibility to deal with.

“It’s my job so it’s fine.” 

Clary clicked her tongue. “Yeah, and the eye bags on your eyes really tell it’s fine.”

“They’re a symbol of hard work.” Alec attempted to joke.

“More like workaholism. Look, I had a huge mug of coffee before coming here. You can go rest and I can finish these for you.”

Her offer of help gave a tug in Alec’s heart. Despite their attitudes usually clashing, Alec has grown to appreciate Clary, but there was still too much shame that came with reports he was tasked to do.

“It’s okay. Go find Jace. I will handle this.” Alec replied.

Suddenly Clary came toward him and grabbed on his shoulder. He was shocked that she was able to fling Alec away from his chair. Clary was small compared to his towering figure. He was confused at her sudden power till he saw a strength rune glinting on her bare neck. 

She pushed him out the door and slammed the door before he could run back in. A click of the lock turning can be heard.

“Hey! What the hell, Fray?!” He pounded the door.

“Consider this as a thank you for tutoring me and Jace.” Clary’s voice rang through the wood. “Now get some sleep or go to your plant children, you overworked weakling.”

“You had a strength rune. That’s not fair.” Alec responded. “Also you better not use those weird color markers on the documents.”

“They’re called highlighters and they make things better organized!”

Alec shrugged. No point in trying to get back in. When Fray is determined, nothing can stop her. She’s the type who would still try even in a hopeless situation. Usually Alec admired that trait but now he found it irritating. 

After deciding between getting a good night’s sleep at his bedroom or going to his so-called ‘plant children’, Alec chose to head to the greenhouse. Even with his slumping arms and heavy feet, he knew he couldn’t sleep because of his constant running thoughts. 

Taking care of his plants helps. It usually gets him sleeping peacefully. 

_ Alec. Your response? _

Aline texted again as soon as he entered the greenhouse. Alec groans. He forgot to reply while he was talking to Clary. 

_ Listen Aline, right now my family is going through a hard time. The Institute is not doing well. _

He started and sent to Aline, ready to send the next words  _ ‘Therefore, I sadly have to decline your offer.’ _

_ Oh, that must be really hard. Clave also doubted your abilities?  _ She texted. 

Huh? That made him change his next reply. He slapped his forehead with his free hand. He should’ve known that besides himself, Aline and Helen were also going through the same horrible thing. 

_ Clave also bothering you?  _ He replied. 

_ Yeah. One time, me and Helen were just discussing having a possible wedding in Idris. A Council member commented he didn’t want the pure land to be tainted. _

_ They insist on having hourly reports because they doubt a gay man leading.  _

_ Some of those idiots have never even led an institute or left their golden fortress of Idris.  _

Alec smiled. This felt nice. He couldn’t talk about these things to Jace or Isabelle because he knew they would never relate. 

_ It’s like they’re so scared of us and our queerness.  _

_ They think we might infect them.  _ Alec giggled.

* * *

  
  


Somehow Alec ended up in an Los Angeles werewolf vegan cafe which he doesn’t understand the probability of. He sits in a corner booth sipping on a soy latte. 

Aline suggested this to be their meeting spot. She said she wanted to try their coconut tarts and Alec agreed because he wanted to leave New York for a while. 

He waved his hands once he spotted a raven and blonde pair entering through the glass doors.

“Alec, good to see you!!” Aline waved back. Her raven hair had multiple colored clips running from her hairline till the tip of her ears. The orange sweater dress she wore was so bright and neon, Alec’s eyes squinted. 

Helen sat nearer to the window while giving a small wave. She wore a much more dull black coat compared to her girlfriend’s outfit. 

“Good to see you too, Aline.” Alec smiled. “I got you guys something to drink.” He gestured towards the two coffees in front of him. 

“Ohhh sweet.” Aline took the cup and started to chug it.

Helen whispers. “She hasn’t slept because she was too excited.” 

“Of course!!” Aline slammed her drink. “This is just too perfect! Both the Consul’s daughter and Inquisitor’s son teaming up! It’s just perfect! Perfect!”

Alec wiped off the splatters spilling out of Aline’s coffee. 

“So umm so what is this LGBT Shadowhunter Alliance?” Alec asked. 

“Of course. Of course.” Aline claps her hands. 

Helen reached out a document in her coat and handed it to Alec. “Me and Aline worked on this proposal. Well….mostly Aline.”

“Honey, you worked on a lot too.” Aline protested. 

“You were the one who knew how to make a proposal.” 

“I just knew because my mom always talks about her Consul stuff.” 

Alec reads through the document. Surprisingly, it wasn’t handwritten like most Shadowhunter papers but rather printed out. He was shocked that the proposal was structured properly with well constructed objectives and goals because Aline’s carefree demeanor seemed opposite. 

“You want us to pass a law that protect LGBT Shadowhunters from discrimination crime.” Alec stated after fully taking in the information. 

“Well..yes that is our final goal.” Aline says. 

“Aline, there are no longer any laws against us. They stopped stripping marks in the 1980’s.” Alec said. 

“Yes, but there aren’t any laws protecting us.” Aline snarled. “Everyday we have to face the possibility of being ridiculed or harmed just because we are who we are.”

“Plus with having the group we can provide the necessary support and community that an LGBT Shadowhunter needs.” Helen added. 

Alec wanted to say  _ Wow that’s so amazing _ because it would’ve been exactly what he needed. 

But again, he thought of his family and the humiliation he could instill upon them. He could imagine the Clave labeling him as a gay man asking for too much. 

“Listen I...your proposal sounds nice but I kindly have to disagree.” Alec said with his head so he couldn’t see Aline and Helen’s reaction. “The Clave has done nothing drastically wrong against us.” 

He stood up and started walking out the door. His eyes remained forward, he was ready to go back to his world. A world where yes he wasn’t treated the best, but at least it’s wasn’t the worst. 

“Wait!” Helen screamed. 

He paused. 

“I know it sounds scary and you don’t want to join because it might seem like we’re overcompensating but the truth is I’m here because my brother, Ty, got beaten up by his mentor!” 

That made him turn and face her. She looked so vulnerable opposite from her guarded demeanor earlier. 

“He had a crush on a fellow male student and his mentor found out so the teacher decided to beat the so-called ‘weakness’ out of him.” Helen explained with shaking fists and growling teeth. “It turns out that tutor had a record for abusing queer students. We reported it to the Clave but they didn’t do anything.” 

“I….” Alec stuttered. 

“Helen, please calm down.” Aline muttered as her eyes gazed over bystanders staring at them with shocked eyes. 

Helen ignored her “So if you think the Clave has done nothing drastically wrong against us then well why the hell did they let that man go?!” 

She paused and breathed in out heavily. Shakily, she descended back on her seat and brought her hands to her face. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have just…..burst”

Her words and rage somehow must have tugged Alec. It pulled him and somehow pushed away his past fears. Because he realized at that moment, if he just concentrated on finally doing the right thing and protecting others, he can be brave enough to do anything. 

He touched Helen’s head. For a moment, he could feel a halo on her golden hair.

* * *

His phone screen was blank. Well more specifically his contact list was blank. So far he only has twelve people to call and one of them was the pizza place. 

“You’re gonna go blind with how long you’ve been staring at your phone.” Jace commented as he grabbed milk in the fridge. 

“Are you trying to call Magnus again?” Isabelle’s face appeared in the doorway. “Because if you are, I will…” 

“No! No! It’s not!” Alec protested. “I’m just trying to find some people…” 

“Ohhh.. what’s this?” Isabelle came in the kitchen excited and curious. 

“You finally got back in the dating game?” Jace winked while sitting on a stool in front of the kitchen island. 

Alec puts his hands on his chin. “I just got into this organization with Aline…” 

“Ohhhhh, is this the LGBT Shadowhunter Alliance?” Isabelle squealed. She hugged his torso.“Alec, this is amazing!” 

“How did you know about it?” Alec raised his eyebrows and his arms remained down. He couldn’t hug her back because of her tight grip trapping his limbs. 

“Aline keeps screaming about it every time we talk.” Isabelle explained. 

“What is this…..LGBT Alliance?” Jace asked with wide eyes. 

“Basically it’s a community for LGBT Shadowhunters.” Isabelle answered. 

“That’s dope.” Jace commented then he gulped a whole jug of milk. His slurps were loud and sloppy, that drops of white spilled on his chin. Isabelle and Alec gagged at their adopted brother’s disgusting habit. 

“What’s the first thing you guys are doing?” Isabelle asked with glowing eyes and finally let him go. 

“Ummm...looking for new members. We want to gather more LGBT shadowhunters to join.” Alec explained, gripping his phone so tightly he might break it in half. 

“Well, I’ll leave you at your first job.” Isabelle smiled and walked towards Jace. Alec knew they were gonna start throwing spoons at each other. 

Alec wanted join her sister’s excitement but in reality he was worried, because as he look at his phone, he realized he had no friends to call. 

It made him think of his life and how much he had honestly spent it alone. How much he has only wasted it. He has never even tried to bond with someone who wasn’t his siblings’ significant others or his ex-boyfriend. 

What was wrong with him? He thought. 

* * *

For every serious political meeting in the Clave, it was always held either in Idris or in Institutes where the room was quiet and tall men would wear tight suits. But for the first meeting of the LGBT Shadowhunter Alliance, Alec found himself in a LGBT nightclub where werewolves danced in strip poles and lights blared in hot pink and purple. 

Aline and Helen were dressed in matching purple dresses. While Aline’s was glittered and shined in the neon light, Helen’s was velvet and plain. Mark stood with his twin in a simple jean jacket and pants. Leon, whom Alec remembered meeting in Europe, was in a really tight leather shirt.

Alec felt embarrassed. He only wore a sweater with holes. Also his sneakers were dirty. 

Aline clearly drunk and swaying around. “Alright for the first meeting….waittttt or is this night out…?”

“Our bonding meeting.” Helen reminded Aline. 

“Yes. Yes.” Aline giggled. “This is our time to get to know each other and be best of friends.”

She immediately fell forward and Mark caught her. “Yup, she definitely had too much pre-game.” Mark commented

“She was excited.” Helen said. 

“Sis, she’s excited about everything.”

Alec soon found himself away from the dance floor and sitting in a booth, where Helen was talking with a waiter while Leon was downing shots. The trio had lost Aline and Mark earlier but Helen assured them that Aline was just somewhere dancing with Mark. 

The pop music was blaring so loudly in his ear. Alec thought he might go deaf. He really didn’t like this place. 

Leon winked at him after chugging his last shot.“So how you doin’ ?”

“Uhhhhh…” Alec’s eyes went to the side. He concentrated on a used condom on the floor because that seems to be more comfortable than facing Leon flirting with him. 

“I know you rejected me in Europe, but believe me I can take care of you.” 

“Excuse me…” Alec felt uncomfortable especially that Leon was caressing his arm. 

“Leon, there’s been this vampire who’s been staring at you all night.” Helen’s voice rang. “I think they want to dance.”

Leon smirked and stretched his arms. “My time has come!”

He left, sauntering. 

Helen smiles at the approaching waiter who hands her a plate.“Want a fry?” 

“Sure.” Alec takes the fry and dips it in mayonnaise. 

“Sorry about Leon, he just heard the….” Helen paused and her eyes wandered as if trying to find something. “ ‘news.’ ”

“Oh.” Alec says at first, not getting her. “ _ Oh.” _ He says again when he got her context. 

“Yeah.” Helen gives an apologetic smile. 

“How did you know?”

“You guys were kind of the most famous Shadowhunter-Downworlder couple.” Helen explained as her shoulders slumped. “Your kiss at the accords really changed things and people notice when you two aren’t seen together anymore.” 

Alec nodded but his mood soured. He held his breath ready to explain to another person about what happened.

“I’m not gonna ask though why you guys broke up. I mean it’s your privacy after all.” 

Alec breath out in relief. 

“Thanks.” Alec’s smile was so wide that his cheeks hit his eyes.

“Anyway, I can order a drink to lighten the mood.” Helen held out the menu. 

“Ohh I’m not really into shots.” 

“Me too.” Helen pointed out. “I was thinking of getting some wine.” 

“That sounds wonderful.” Alec couldn’t stop smiling. 

* * *

Wine bottles piled up as Helen and Alec laughed loudly. Helen had her head slumped down on the table while Alec’s hands were shaking. 

“I hate this place! I hate this place so much!” Helen shouted. 

“I know right! I mean who the hell decided bright neon lights in a dark room was good?!” 

“And loud music!!”

“And weird dancing on the dance floor!”

A nearby pair who were wearing pink suits looked at them with furious eyes. 

Alec poked out his tongue while Helen bared her teeth. They walked away with even deeper sneers.

Helen giggled in his shoulder. Her breath smells heavily of grapes. 

“Why did you agree to come here even if you hate it?” Alec slurs out. His vision began to blur as he stared at the foggy dark ceiling. 

Helen coughs out some wine. She couldn’t form an answer. 

Alec felt his eyes wander to the dance floor. At first he thought he was suddenly feeling an urge to dance but in reality he found out he was unconsciously searching for the bathroom. 

“I gotta peeeeeeee.” He whistled. 

He stood up and left. Helen fell over the sofa and laughed even more. 

While heading towards a dirty stall, Alec almost slipped on the greasy tiles. He did his business while trying to avoid hitting the walls with his elbows. Once he finished, a vampire hissed at him as he exited. 

The lights were even brighter as he entered back again on the dance floor. Alec found it very odd that the bathroom was located near the crowd, but he could understand that maybe the owner wanted their customers to not vomit on the floor, and be able to run to the toilet. He was scanning through the crowd looking for Helen and their booth. 

But as his eyes roamed the swaying arms of Downworlders, time stopped. Everything slowed down and the dancing bodies blended with one another. A tall figure shined amidst all. 

Magnus stood there. He looked even better than the last time he saw him at the subway tunnel with his eyes glittered brighter and his clothes more colorful. 

Alec didn’t know whether to hug him tight or run away. 

The warlock was so fluid in his dancing. He had his arms wrapped around a blonde fae with green skin. Alec squinted his eyes and saw their faces were only a breath apart. 

The fae’s blonde curls remind Alec of red dresses and red lips with pointed teeth. Camille had always loved the color of blood. 

Alec quickly drew to the pair. He wanted to see why Magnus held the blonde. Why Magnus touched her skin with some much admiration. 

He wanted to know how to be like the blonde and how he can push Magnus away from her enchanting arms. 

Soon his breath went slower and he walked slowly into the dance floor. Poison and jealousy filled in him. He wanted to scream. 

Lights blurred and suddenly the music stopped. His arms pushed the blonde fae away and she hit the floor with a loud thud. 

He only focused on Magnus’ face but the warlock’s almond eyes looked horrified and angry. What’s worse was they were towards him. 

“What the hell, Alexander?!” The warlock’s mouth growled. His purple lipstick made Alec want to kiss him.“Are you stalking me?!” 

“No! No! I’m-!” His voice paused. He couldn’t breath. Why couldn’t he breath?

“Shit!” The faerie held her arm. Her skin was stained with a black bruise.

Everyone was staring. Everyone is looking. 

Alec held his hands on his arms but his eyes remained on his former lover. 

“Are you alright ?” Magnus lowered himself to the fae and his hands glowed blue. “I can heal if you need.”

_ Why is he noticing her? Why isn’t he looking at me? Look at me! _

“Alec!” Helen stumbled in the hollow circle. Her nails dug in his shoulder. “You were taking too long in the bathroom.” Her bottle green eyes gazed at Magnus and the fae on the floor. “Holy Shit!”

“Is it really bad?” The fae asked Magnus. Alec felt scared. Afraid that he hurt her. Afraid that Magnus had seen him do a horrible thing. 

The crowd’s eyes seemed to poke holes in him. Everyone felt so tall and were looming above him. He shut his eyes close. He wants to run away. 

“Alec. Alec.” Helen’s voice seemed to push him out of his state. 

“We should go.” Alec whispered in her and pulled her and him away from the scene. 

He slipped through a crack between two vampires and only glanced back once. Magnus’ cat eyes held disappointment as he glared at the shadowhunter. Alec wanted to drown in the sea of black around them. 

* * *

He was running down the alleyway. His long thin legs ran in big circles like bicycle wheels. 

Helen’s hand was still in his grip and in her other was a huge bottle of tequila. 

“Alec! Alec! Slow Down!” She called. 

He needed to get away from this place as fast as possible. 

“Stop!” She pulled his grip and they paused in the middle of a sidewalk.

Alec gasped and looked around. They were in front of a convenience store. No one was on the road but cars kept honking and passing through. 

“Alright mister you need to sober up!” Then she drops the bottle of tequila, the glass shards drowned in the spilled brown liquid. “Ummm...and also me.” 

A sour fluid lifted in his throat and he vomited on the sidewalk. 

“Okay. Okay. We can handle this.” Helen stuttered.

Then he immediately felt his vision go black and he fell face flat on his sticky murky vomit. The liquid tasted sour on his lips.

“Shit! Okay! Fuck!” Helen shouted.

* * *

The blaring lights blinded him as his eyes blinked open. Soft linen touched his skin. His bed covers have never felt this smooth before. The walls were velvet green with gold embroidered patterns. 

Alec looked to his side and a water bottle with pills was plopped on an oak table. 

He held on to a knife hidden in his boots. For a moment, he thought maybe Sebastian had found him. 

“I know. I’m sorry.” Helen’s voice passed through the sliding doors of the balcony entrance. 

Aline sounded rough and coarse from the speaker of a phone. “Helen! You can’t keep doing this!” 

“I’m sorry. I just- everything was so fast and I had to get Alec out of there.”

“You had all night to call me, and you couldn’t have just-I don’t know!- answered one of the ten missed calls I’ve given you!” 

“I-I..”

“Why can’t you just answer a simple call?!” 

“That’s it!” Aline’s voice hit down like a drum. “I’m so done with this.” 

The door slid open with a slow roll. Helen stepped in with the orange hue of the sun rise reflecting on her gold hair. 

“Ohh, you’re awake.” Helen said with wet eyes and a hoarse voice. “You should drink some water.”

She sauntered towards the bathroom with her back slouched. The faucet water ran down strong, it seemed to hit the porcelain in a rush of strong waves. 

Alec’s feet touched the smooth rug floor. He stayed seated on the side of the bed waiting for Helen. 

Helen came out running a towel over her face. Her eyes were no longer flowing with tears but her whites were still red. She sighed and checked her phone. 

Alec’s looked up. Helen stood tall across him and her face looked worried and contemplative.

“Helen, where are we?” He asked. 

She stuffed her phone in her dress pocket and shrugged. “Hotel La Tier. It was the nearest hotel I could find while dragging your passed out corpse.”

The lights above them went off for a moment and turned back on. 

_ (Everyone was staring. Everyone is looking.  _

_ Alec held his hands on his arms but his eyes remained on his former lover.  _

_ “Are you alright ?” Magnus lowered himself to the fae and his hands glowed blue. “I can heal if you need.” _

_ Why is he noticing her? Why isn’t he looking at me? Look at me!) _

Alec stayed silent and looked at Helen’s green eyes. 

“I did something really shitty.” Alec blurted out. 

Helen didn’t answer back but it was obvious she agreed with Alec’s statement. 

“I hurt someone.” Alec’s looked down at his palms. He had rather large hands and rough calluses. For a moment he thought his hands were perfect for violence. 

“Yeah.” Helen crossed her arms.

They were both quiet for a while. The morning traffic noises could be heard from the open slit door. 

“You know, I used to date this guy Sam.” Helen suddenly narrated which made Alec raise his eyebrow. “You see every girl wanted to date Sam but somehow I managed to make him agree to be my girlfriend. During that time I had braces, and I was so afraid that Sam would see how ugly they were and leave me. So every time we were on a date and a girl would try to talk to him. I would scare them off. Soon, he got so mad at my paranoia that he dumped me over facebook.”

“Ohhh…” Alec didn’t know how to respond. 

“I was thirteen in that story.” Helen explained.

“So….are you implying that I’m a thirteen year old?” Alec deadpanned with a frown

“Well, what you did on the dance floor certainly wasn’t mature.” Helen chimed. 

Alec remembered the faerie on the ground. Magnus and the blonde woman wrapped in each other’s arms. Him hating the faerie or was it hating Camille? Magnus’s eyes on her but not on him.

“I didn’t like seeing him with another person.I didn’t like that other person being his center of attention.” Alec rubbed his arms. “I wanted him to just look at me.” 

The sounds of the clock ticking above him suddenly got louder. Its ticks went slower and slower. 

“Sometimes we act crazy when it comes to love.” Was Helen’s only response. “Doesn’t mean it justifies doing shitty things.” 

“Was the fae that I pushed okay?” Alec asked. 

“You only bruised her arm but she could still report you for assault or Downworlder hate crime.” Helen sighed. “Lucky for you, you’re a Shadowhunter and the Clave would take your side.”

“That isn’t fair though.” His nails dug in his arm. “I deserve to get punishment.” 

“Well at least you know the right thing to do. Many guys in your position would take the chance to get away with their crime.”

Alec sighed. His breath was so deep and heavy. “It’s just when it comes to Magnus ...why do I end up doing horrible things?” 

“I get what you mean.” Helen tapped her purple pocket. “With Aline, honestly I feel like I’m thirteen again, and I’m afraid that she’d just leave me because someday she’d know how not-fun I am or how boring.“

Alec took a good look at her face. She didn’t look like her usual professional elegant self but rather human...very human. A human with so many cracks and flaws. Just like himself. 

“I am a very possessive and selfish person. I was so insecure I kept going to my ex’s ex in order to feel better about myself.” Alec admitted. He was surprised he did because he couldn’t even admit it to his own siblings. 

“What did you and your ex’s ex do?” Helen asked with wide eyes. 

“I just …… wanted to know who he is because he wouldn’t tell me anything about himself. I went to Camille because she had the answers. I kept coming and coming.” Alec explained. “And then she offered to take away Magnus’ immortality, because his immortality was causing so much problems between the two of us. But honestly maybe it was all about me being so scared that he’d leave me when I grow old.” 

“Would you have taken his immortality?” Helen asked surprisingly with no harsh reaction in his voice. 

“No, I wouldn’t have.” Alec answered, honestly, but it still wasn’t the full picture. 

“Well…” Helen said. “I know now why people always say ‘never meet your idols’.” 

“Huh?” 

Helen rubbed her arms and stared off in the distance. “After your kiss in the accords, Aline was so inspired. She finally had the courage to come out to her mom, and now look at her, she's making an alliance and doing change for the world.”

Alec’s eyes lowered. More shame and sadness filled in him. “I’m sorry I’m not that person you thought I was. I’m still just…..honestly just this insecure gay kid who ends up doing horrible mistakes.” 

“Aren’t we all just an insecure kid?” Helen questioned. “Look at me, I just left my own girlfriend and brother in a club just because I didn’t want to be there and I couldn’t even tell them.”

“You should call your girlfriend. It may be scary but I lost my boyfriend because we couldn’t communicate enough.” Alec said. “The more you don’t talk the more you’re likely to lose her.”

“It’s so hard though. I mean I’m just me and how do I talk to this amazing girl when I am so boring and just…..” She couldn’t say any more words.

Alec wanted to tell her the usual advice people would say. Love yourself he would say or you’re amazing too. 

But he knew how hard it really is to believe in those words.

“Just try to call her and apologize. At least you’d be trying something.” Was the only thing Alec said. 

“Alright...yeah that’s the only thing I could do right now.” Helen held out her phone. She started to walk towards the balcony while typing on her phone. The sun’s orange was stronger stroking the walls of the hotel room. 

“Also…” Helen paused looking back. “You may not have been the person that Aline idolized, but I did like getting to know you more. It’s more real.” 

Alec almost smiled because he felt the same thing towards her. 

**Author's Note:**

> I made this after an event in my life, and was thinking about how Cassie handled the break-up between the two of her characters.


End file.
